A JOKE is doing the rounds among camel owners at the Pyramids about the Italian tourist who knocked down the price of a ride to a fiver.
Proud of his haggling skills, the man climbed onto the beast and walked for five minutes. As he looked for assistance to climb down, the camel owner enquired: "Getting off sir? That'll be another 25 euro."
It felt like sitting on a rising platform as Super Dooper raised his legs to full stretch and my initial fear of the height calmed as we strolled around the edge of the desert.
Whenever we came to an obstacle the owner would issue the command "kaht" - an Arabic term meaning "take it easy".
It is a sentiment that was repeatedly offered to me by friends worried about my safety in going to Egypt. Concern is understandable. Egypt is in the midst of a revolution. But Cairo is miles from the cauldron of Port Said. Demonstrations occur in the capital on Friday afternoons in the downtown area of Tahrir Square. The rest of the time this flashpoint area - as with the rest of Cairo - is getting on with normal life.
From my hotel, the +Radisson Blu Heliopolis in an affluent district of the city, the only mayhem was the sound of car horns as drivers scrambled across town with all the formation of a ride on the fairground dodgems.
Time was of the essence on my brief trip and I was determined to see the Pyramids. From pictures, I imagined that they would be deep in the desert but, surprisingly, they sit just on the edge of the city - roughly an hour's drive from Heliopolis. Hotel staff organised a taxi and an Egyptologist tour guide. I paid €140 for both. It works out cheaper per person for parties and the benefits are huge.
We passed the Citadel and other monuments and palaces but also witnessed the abject of families living in derelict, seemingly perilous buildings. You see images of this squalor on telly and feel pity - but when it is right in front of you, there is a sense of disbelief that fellow humans suffer this appalling plight. I felt close to tears seeing this so close and yet you know there is worse in the world.
Radisson workers regularly visit these slums to make them more habitable and provide food and days out for the children.
Across the Nile, I catch my first glimpse of the Pyramids incongruously perched between even more ramshackle buildings. From this distance, I agree with people who have said they look a lot smaller than you imagine. Only up close do you appreciate their size and majesty.
We stop off at the papyrus museum where we see a demonstration of how to make the world's oldest paper and how to avoid fakes. Genuine papyrus has vertical and horizontal lines when held to the light rather than just one direction - so now you know.
An ancient canal used to transport pyramid stones is now full of dumped rubbish - sadly only a short distance from the jewel of my trip.
My guide Khaled briefs me on how to avoid being fleeced by the eager traders ready to pounce on 'my friend" tourists: Don't take free 'gifts', don't hand over any cash and basically don't part with any cash.
I'm not sure what I expected on the inside of the pyramid for King Khufu. A visitor centre or a souvenir shop maybe? None of it. Even at 5'9", I had to crouch right over to advance along a tunnel before climbing 203 steps up sparsely light 'chimneys' before reaching the burial chamber.
I was there alone in the dark. I could just about make out the looted tomb on the other side of the room. Only the camera flash on my mobile enabled me to get a view inside.
The eerie silence was only broken by the cackle of a bunch of Chinese tourists mounting the steps below. I reckoned they were a few minutes away - so there was time to hop into the tomb and lie there cross-armed to greet the advancing entourage.
OK...I thought about it but I couldn't have all those instant heart attacks on my conscience.
Having retraced my steps, I was back outside to be greeted by Khaled holding the reins to my camel. They are easier to mount than horses but as Super Dooper extended his legs, I felt a little precarious. It is amazing how quickly you learn the art of leaning back when a camel lunges forward despite the yells of "kaht, kaht". As I regained composure, Khaled took photos of my Lawrence of Arabia impressions and explained how the other pyramids descended in size according to the seniority of Khufu's family and officials. The distinctive shape is inspired by heavenly-reaching mythical mountains containing chambers for the nobility. My lesson was interrupted by yells of "kaht, kaht" as Super Dooper went sharply downhill on the 300-yard descent to the Sphinx where I posed for the inevitable tourist shots of me 'kissing' and 'holding up' the monument.
I decided to avoid the souvenir merchants in favour of the Perfume Palace where you can buy scents, medicines and therapy oils.
I bought a bottle of Arabian Night said to contain aphrodisiac scents and others to reduce weight and stress.
Some of the ingredients date back to the embalming process used by the ancient Egyptians.
I figured if they were good enough for mummies, they might help preserve a few years of youth for this daddy.
WHERE TO STAY:
+Radisson Blu Heliopolis is a five-star hotel with 427 rooms and a rooftop terrace with swimming pool and cocktail bar. I dined at the Italian Filini restaurant while over at Mix, I enjoyed veal stir fry for lunch. Deluxe rooms come with free wi-fi, TV, minibar, safes and very handy two-pin/three-pin plug sockets. The top-floor health spa includes the pool and gym along with beauty treatment and massage areas. Visit www.radissonblu.com Entrance to Pyramids, Sphinx and camel ride €75 including tips.
Discover the secret Egypt - El Gouna
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